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Old age is like a
plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard there's nothing you can
do.
Golda Meir
When You're Hungry,
You're Hungry!
- A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent
on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain.
It was their duty to rescue any survivors.
- After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they
came upon the crash site.
- At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against
a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones,
he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief.
"I am saved!"
- The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock,
seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he
had eaten his comrades.
- The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his
own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted.
"I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
- The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking
his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary
to survive, but my God man, your plane only went
down yesterday!"
Comments On Flying and
Airplanes
I used
to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in
the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
One
night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from
the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
When
I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round
trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous
Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
So I
get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging
the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...
From the 7/20/98 
Internet site:
.
. . SHORT FINAL
From our "get along,
little doggies" file:
On a very quiet Sunday morning,
a pilot was flying his Robinson R22 helicopter to 06N -- a very small uncontrolled
field in Middletown, N.Y. -- for a gathering of helicopter pilots for competitions
and hangar flying known as a "Helicopter Round-Up."
The pilot's route passed through
the Windsor Locks, Conn., Class B airspace, so the pilot called up BDL
Approach and gave his location, altitude, destination and type. The controller
cleared the helicopter into the airspace, adding "I used to work that
district. What in the world are you going there for?" The pilot replied
he was going to Middletown to participate in a helicopter round-up.
After a lengthy pause, the controller
came back with, "It must be kinda hard to lasso those puppies."
Some
Comments About Crashing
(amusing and otherwise)
Do not spin this
aircraft.
If the aircraft does
enter a spin it will return to earth without further attention on the part
of the aeronaut.
-- First handbook issued
with the Curtis-Wright flyer.
When a crash seems
inevitable,
endeavour to strike
the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible.
-- Advice given to RAF
pilots during W.W.II.
The Cub is the safest
airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
-- Attributed to Max
Stanley, Northrop test pilot.
If an airplane is
still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the bastard down.
-- Ernest K.Gann, advice
from the 'old pelican,' 'The Black Watch,' 1989.
Any landing you can
walk away from is a good one!
-- Gerald R. Massie,
U.S. Army Air Forces photographer. Written in 1944 after the crash-landing
of his B-17.
If you can fill out
the yellow sheet with Jack Black in your hand instead of an I.V. in your
arm,
it was a good landing.
-- Charlie Kisslejack,
Commander, US Navy, 1983.
I decided
that if I could fly for ten years before I was killed in a crash,
it would be a worthwhile
trade for an ordinary life time.
-- Charles A. Lindbergh,
'The Spirit of St. Louis.'
If you're faced with
a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
-- Bob Hoover
This started off
as a father-daughter adventure, and it's gotten wonderfully out of hand...I'm
going to fly till I die. -- Jessica Dubroff, 7 year old American pilot,
speaking prophetically to the Times of London,
before her fatal plane
crash, 1996.
From the 8/25/97
Internet site:
. . . Short Final
AVweb reader John Frank (executive director of the Cessna
Pilots Association) spotted this grafitto scrawled on the inside of a fiberglass
Port-A-Potty honeyhut at Oshkosh '97:
"I could've been a Glasair."
The FAA -- Brighter than the British?
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA)
has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.
The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield
at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield
doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with
a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this
and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're
developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken
and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through
the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in
the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the
FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one
recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."
From the 7/06/98
Internet site:
. . . Short Final
Our old friend JimmyJay
shared this one with us:
Capt'n said, "I'm retiring
next month and wish to pass something on to young pilots who will be flying
this airline after I'm gone." His copilot leaned an attentive ear
toward his gray-haired Captain in anticipation of some unwritten rule-of-thumb,
or some secret technique for ensuring smooth landings.
Capt'n confided, "In
30 years of flying the line, if there's anything I've learned, it's this:
The smaller the flight
attendant, the heavier her suitcase, and the harder she slams the cockpit
door."
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Who cares!